Happy 5th Birthday to my hero~~~

I miss you so much, my heart hurts but it hurts so much tonight. thinking how tall would you be , would you still have that blond hair, what would you be interested in~~~i know you are still a loving gentle beautiful bright blue eyed baby boy!!! I hope you got the balloons sissy sent you, sissy pappy and i watched them go to heaven. Loved the all day rain today, i stepped in every puddle and thought of you. pretty soon i will be shaving my head in los angeles ca for you for st baldricks~~~i will continue to fight until the day i die for you and the many other children~~~ i am doing okay but i still can not wait until the day we are reunitied. sissy sings to you every single night and we blow kisses too~~~ please know i kove you so much and miss you my brave little boy, i love you more than chocolate my love, mommy

my ethan my love gone 2 years today

ethan, my hero my heart. you have been gone 2 years but it feels like a million. i went to visit your grave as i know your spirit is not there but your remains are and i went a took you beautiful red roses with sissy. she helped me place them just so and then she played with your toys, she also misses you so much. she told me several times how she wishes you were here, she would have a best friend, and someone to play with all the time. my heart breaks for her as she is going through a loss just like daddy and i are. so many wonderful friends and family called, texted, messaged me or contacted me through facebook to see how we were doing, we are still hurt mad and ask why, but we do go on for sissy as you would want us to. also we go on and smile and are not miserable because you would not want us to act that way.

yesterday was hard while sarah and your cousins were doing the easter egg hunt, there should be 4 of you running around laughing and enjoying each other, but cancer robbed that from us as it did many many things.i am not the same person i was 2 years ago, my life actually changed on sept 1,2009 when you were diagnosed with cancer. i do get mad and i do get short alot easier with people that are dumb, but also i am doing good for you. daddy and i are speaking at the chp memorial service on how our marriage has survived the loss of a child, then i am shaving my head with the 46 mommas and i am fundraising for st baldricks with kadies mom, we have a team "team lovebugs" then come the fall we will be doing the curesearch walk. i talk to more people about things that need to be done.

i need to go check on sissy now and mommy has a cold but i will be back writing my thoughts to you.
remember i love you more than chocolate and as daddy would say that is alot.

love always your mummy~~!!!

happy valentines day my baby boy

missing you as always, wishing you were here to hug and give me your special kisses. daddy sarah and i were talking about you and your cuteness all through dinner tonight~~just wanted to come say i love you, my brave boy my hero always and forever!!!

boy has this been a tough month~~

oh ethan, this has been by far the toughest month since you have been gone physically. i can not wait to hold you in my arms, to hug and to kiss like we aways did. and next month is our 1st big vacation without you, but i know i need to go on for sarah, she deserves happy moments~~
i found out today on july 29,2012 will be the 46 mommas shave for the brave event. i am so happy to be involved in this event, to raise funds for childhood cancer research and also to bond with other mommas mising their babies and some that still have their babies~~
i hope you know, i go on for sarah but i can not wait to be with you again. you are in my thoughts every moment of every day~~

love you more than chocolate my baby boy, mommy

good evening my sweet baby boy~~

oh sweet ethanbug you have been gone physically for 1 years, 4 months, and 16 days. it seems like we have been physically apart for millions of years. notice how i said "physically" because i know you are here in spirit through the signs i get and through your sissy~~
big news baby boy, i am going to raise funds and shave my head at the end of july with the "46 mommas, shave for the brave event" i am so excited to be doing this in your memory and raising funds for research~~kadies mommy sarah is going to be doing it to right beside me, just like you and kadie are now, side by side. i hope she is not being too hard on you, she is a tough little country girl but she loves you~!!
daddy and sarah are both snoring right now as i sit and have my thoughts of you, my beautiful handsome loving hero!
i love you and will write again soon.
i love you more than chocolate my baby, love, mommy

Ethan I hope you are proud~~!!

Hi my baby boy, missing you as always but especially at night when everyone is in bed and i am here to think of you. you and what you should be doing , i should be getting ready to send you to 4 year old preschool, but your cancer robbed me of that. I watch at how excited your "sissy" is getting to go to 3 year old preschool.

I hope you and kadie are together having fun being cancer free pain free and just being regular kids together. hoping you are both having wonderful dinners together. Baby boy that was so hard going to kadies viewing and funeral but i know you were with me and i was able to be there for kadies mommy sarah~~~

Getting ready to do some great things in your memory~~first thing i am going to disneyworld to do a 1/2 marathon (i am walking not running) in your memory and all fundraising goes to calebs crusade. i am starting to train and hope to lose some of this weight put on by my ways of coping with your death, no more coke to drink and no more bags of chocolate. and then tomorrow we are having a meeting bringing curesearch here to pittsburgh, a walk we will do in october. i am doing all of this for you. if i can help one person by doing all that i do i will feel i made a difference. like i always said "i will fight for childhood cancer until the day i leave this earth".

i am going to try to go to bed now, i love you more than chocolate and that is alot,
love always your mommy forever~~!!!

MISSING YOU SO MUCH ETHANBUG!!

Wow mommy has not been able to write for awhile, i have been here to our blog but have not been able to write. since you first angelversary i have been mad, sad, happy at times, but mostly sad~~ this 2nd year of not having you here is much worse than the 1st, i think because the first year you are so numb and i was in my own little world, but now i am not numb i have feeling of anger at cancer and i am still angry with god. i am mad because we do not have you here physically, sarah misses you so much but she always tells me how you are with her, and i have signs from butterflies mostly. i want to dream about you, us and the entire family but i can not because i want it so much~~and i am sad, sad that you never got to be potty trained, never got to go to school like sarah is getting ready to start, to ride you first roller coaster, to ride a bike, i could go on forever~~~

As you know because i know you are with her, your girl kadie is dying of her cancer. i know you will meet her and not let her be alone. i always think back to our night at the hospital where you both had your candlelight dinner in the sunroom with the instant soup from the snack cart~~it was so hard going to see kadie yesterday brought back the memories when we brought you home on hospice care. she was in pain but as you know kadie is a littlepistol, you can not cry in front of her or she would yell. i am letting you know right now my little ethanbug she will be the leader in your relationship~~ i am going to be there for sarah , kadies mommy and i am going to hold her tight because this is the worst feeling in the world, your child dying at any age.

i do get happy when i see sarah living through you, she wants to be her independant self but wants to be like her big brother. the other day she was mad and i said why sarah, she said cancer took her brother away and that made her mad. i told her she was allowed to be mad and sad when she needed too. but she gets so excited when she tells me when you come to visit her, she will say words like you did and so on.

tomorrow papy is running the ethan joseph loney memorial tournament to raise money for childhood cancer. mommy is putting the money raised towards the 1/2 marathon i am doing in january in disneyworld. i am walking 13.1 miles in memory of you my sweet baby boy~ as some of the girls say "i walk because i can, i walk because they can't" i hope you are proud of mommy i am trying to do amazing things in your memory, if i can help one person i will be happy. i will fight until the day i die for you!!

well mommy is going to try to sleep alittle, i love you and think of you every minute of every day!!!

love always your mommy!!!

Ethan's First Angel - Versary

Ethan's First Angel - Versary
by Jackie Graham McFeaters


Today is my first Angel-versary!


Mommy I don't want you to be sad about me

You know that I will always live in your heart

And that means we'll never really be apart

I know you wish I could have stayed with you longer

But I want you to be happy and keep getting stronger

Here in Heaven I have so many important jobs to do

I'm such a good angel because of what I learned from you

My angel job is teaching people to be loving and caring

My job is easy because you taught me all about sharing

God chose you and Daddy to show me these things

And now I carry your love on my angel wings

The reason I didn't need to stay here on Earth very long

Is because I learned very quickly about right and wrong

Sometimes I have to help people to do the right things

I teach them about helping others and the good feeling that brings

That's the reason I want you to keep telling my story

You can help your angel and spread the word for me

You are doing such a good job teaching people to be giving

You'll come to heaven and help me when it's time to stop living

But right now Mommy I want you to be happy and live

I know that you have so much love to give

Daddy and Sissy need you so much and I want you to see

That you need to love them and don't be sad about me

I'm always going to be with you and Daddy and Sissy

When Sissy gives you hugs they are coming from me

I'll always watch over Sissy and be her big brother

And all you have to do Mommy is love her

Some day in Heaven you and I will be together again

And I will live in your heart until then

Please Mommy when you think of me you should smile and not cry

Because I love being an angel and I'm sure you know why

It's okay for you to be sad every once in a while


But just think "WHAT WOULD ETHAN DO" and SMILE!!!!

1 Year Angel-versary

oh ethan you have been gone physically for 1 year today, to me it feels like a million years. i do have to be thankful for al the family and friends that have been there for me daddy and sissy. yesterday it rained all day, that was comforting to me because i knew you were doing that so many people could jump in puddles for you yesterday and today~~you have taught so many people to love more, to be more patient and to all around be a better person. you have done more in your 2 1/2 years here than most people do in a lifetime and you continue to tech people.
so many of your nurses remembered you today with love~~also your girlfriend kadie and also your buddy jaden who both have battled neuroblastoma with you.
i love you so much and will write to you again soon.
i love you my hero, mommy

Don't be mad I have not been here in awhile~~~

my sweet handsome loving caring beautiful awesome boy i miss you so much, i think of you every minute of everyday. i can not believe i made it though the holidays, i was so sad but i was happy that you do not have cancer or pain anymore~~my heart will always be broken, it will never be whole again. i went to the cemetary and put your penguin flag up and i took all the snow off our grave, i cried while i did it, looking at your christmas tree and wreath and all the ornaments family and friends decorated it with. you should be with mommy daddy and sissy and betsy too~~
now your sissys birthday is coming, i can not believe she will be "3", that means i would have 2 "3 year olds" that are not twins!! then comes your anniversary of being in heaven then your 4th birthday. i will be celebrating your birthday again, always will~~
we are doing so great things to remember you, we are donating girl scout cookies to your favorite floor at chp (9b) for the patients and their families. so far we have over 100 boxes. also mommy is planning a memorial blood drive and bone marrow screening drive, just lookiing for a good place to have it~~and we are working on your "ethan loney foundation" and we will be donating alot of time and money to heathers haven, they are namimg the acres of woods after you. ETHAN BUGS HUNDRED ACRE WOOD!! they are working on the artwork, i am so proud of this and we will be there to help and volunteer when it does open, and that will be one thing sissy will always be a part off~~
sissy misses you so much, she for a 2 year old is amazing. she realizes that you live far far away and that you can not come back. she holds me when i am sad and she helps me to go on. we are getting ready for her march for babies walk, TEAM SARAH PATRICIA. we will have winnie the pooh wearing a shirt again that says brother on it. then in june we will be doing the relay for life, ETHAN BUG'S ANGELS is our team name. i have been selling 31 products and raising money for the relay for life with all my commission going towards my donations. i am so proud of you and the great little boy you are.
i went to see a spiritual medium and had a wonderful session. she told me about the person you are with in heaven, down to the hair and eyebrows, it is my pappy your great grand pappy, martin. he was in heaven by the time you came along, but i am glad he is loving you and teaching you so much~~
i must go to bed now, sissy goes to her 2 year old preschool tomorrow.
REMEMBER I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~
AND I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY~
YOUR MOMMY FOREVER AND EVER!!!!

Poem for my hero my ethan bug~~~

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

One Last Christmas- Matthew West

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY BABY BOY~~~~

WOW, this has been another hard one, missing you and wanting you to be here. i am thankful that you are not suffering , pain free and cancer free~~~last year at thanksgiving daddy was taking you into the hospital due to an infection and this year you are in heaven. i surrounded myself with friends and family~~i will write more tomorrow but i wanted to say i miss you and you are my hero~~~
love always your mommy

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, MY WORLD CHANGED~~~

Ethan, today marks the 1 year anniversary of your terrible diagnosis of stage 4 high risk neuroblastoma. i am having such a rough day, but i was glad a year ago i did not give up and i knew in my heart something was the matter with my sweet baby boy. looking back and during the 7 months you fought, i really thought you would be here today, loving life, having fun with your family and friends, but your little body could not beat this terrible nasty disease. i try to be strong in front of everyone especially your daddy and sissy~~~i would have taken this pain and disease from you if i could, but things do not work that way.i know you are the most beautiful angel up in heaven, doing gods work and i know each time you come to visit you are the most beautiful butterfly.

today when i went to your grave i left you beautiful petite pink roses with a special green ribbon and it said "ethan you are so beautiful. i miss and love you every day. love mommy" this is not a minute that goes by that i do not think about what we would be doing. sissy started preschool this week and it brought my dreams back to that you would be going to school also.

also i have noticed sissy has alot of you in her face, makes me happy. oh i just want to hold you, kiss you and bring you back. i wish i knew why god has to take the little boys and girls to heaven. i will never know. i love you so much~~it hurts!!!

remember i love you more than chocolate~~~
loving you always and wanting to be with you, mommy

4 months ago your pain and cancer stopped~~~

hi my baby boy and hero it has been 4 months today that god called your name. you became free of cancer and pain. since then mommy has been filled with pain actually my pain started on sept 1 2009 when we heard the most devastating news "your son has cancer". i still remember not breathing, crying, fallening out of the chair. our world changed that day. but our world foever changed on april 9, 4 months ago. i remember our constant cuddling in the hospital and out especially thye last 2 weeks at home. i miss you so much, i hope you have so many new friends and have found your family up in heaven. i still can not believe you are not here, we all miss you so much. i always talk about you, i hold your pooh pillow. no one is allowed but me~~~i know you are with me always and are always with sissy and daddy and betsy of course~~~gigi, pappy, nana, bapa, uncle joey (he poops)(sarah says that now to him always) aunt leslie and baby jameson miss you as well as so many close friends.
PLEASE KNOW I DID EVERYTHING I COULD WITHOUT CAUSING YOU MORE PAIN.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE, MOMMY~~~~~~

I miss you so much, my heart hurts and will never be the same~~~

Hi baby boy, I am sorry I have not wrote to you in awhile. I think and want you so bad every single day/night~~Sarah and I went to visit gammy, we had a great time in th pool, the ocean, feeding turtles and so much more but esprcially loving your gammy but we all missed you so much. you would have enjoyed everything.
I am still so mad at god i wish i could find out why, why my baby that loved life so very much had to leave my arms. I know i will never get the answers until we meet again. I do know you are cancer free and pain free and you are running around again. i know you are constantly with me i can feel you and i believe you are one of the many butterflies i see constantly~~
Sarah still talks to you daily on the phone, she also sees brother in the back alot. i know you will always be there for her. she is 2 but she misses you so much, i will make sure she never forgets you.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, MOMMY

Please watch over all your friends especially Kadie!!

Ethan, we received not the best news from sarah (kadies mommy). she had her scans yesterday, it showed her tumor coming back. i could not sleep last night and my heart was racing, she was done with treatments and after 3 months that ugly cancer neuroblastoma came back. i still remember her last time in the hospital you both decided to not be cranky that day and wanted to have your date. so you both wanted soup from the snack cart and ate in the sun room with our battery opertated candle from christmas. from then on you called for kadie and called her your girlfriend as she did the same, you were her boyfriend. even after you were gone, they did tell kadie you died, when i went to visit kadie told me she will always have you as her boyfriend even when she gets married. i told her how special she is to me and that ethan is her special gaurdian angel now. she said i know. i still have to get myself together to call kadies mommy, i feel so bad for this news, please ethan tell god to let her become healthy again and to let her live her beautiful life with her parents, sisters and her friends and family. i will write again later~~~
i love you so very much and miss you sooo much, momma~~~

do you remember me????

hi ethan it is your momma~~sissy is napping and i thought i would write you a little letter. sitting her looking at the picture i found yesterday, we were at chuck e cheese's you went on the ride that a statue of chuch e cheese is in a car and you sat next to him and it printed a picture. you were smiling and had those so chubby cheeks, i miss them. i miss everything, i hope you remember me, i will never forget my first born baby that god decided he needed to take from me~~i try to talk constantly to sissy about you, the other day she told me she wanted you back and i had to explain to her that you died and you are in heaven watching her every move, so she grabbed your pooh bear and said i love you brudder. i still call her sissy, i cant stop calling her that, i am thankful that we have video of the 2 of you together. last week your stone was finaly put in, it is beautiful but not as beautiful as if you were here with me. fathers day was hard, daddy said to me do you think i was a good daddy to ethan, oh course he was. we still do the what if's but we do not 2nd guess any decitions we made together. sissy is calling me from her nap, i am going to go i will talk to you later.
loving and missing you so much, mommy~~
~~PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND KATIE SHE IS GETTING HER SCANS DONE TOMORROW TO MAKE SURE THE MONSTER "NEUROBLASTOMA" IS STILL AWAY~~

missing you is so hard!!!!

hi baby boy, i am sorry i have not been on your blog for a couple of weeks, momma will not let that happen again. Well since then, your birthday was here, you would have been my bubbly beautiful loving 3 year old. we had a wonderful balloon release and happy cake. also many others let balloons go in your memory, all over the place~~as of today we had 4 responses of people finding balloons, one was daddys!!

i have been having alot of hard days my baby boy, tomorrow is another friday. i hate fridays around this time because that is when god took you from me, it will be 11 weeks tomorrow.they are putting our stone in at the cemetary, sisy and i go constantly. she misses you so much, and i hope she never forgets you, i will not let that happen~~

yesterday was mommay's birthday, it was nice but i was missing you butterfly kisses and having happy cake with you!! in july sisy and i are going to see grammy aka "gigi" to sissy in florida. it will be hard making our first trip to see gammy without you, you would have loved the pools, the beach and just loving gammy!!!
well going to go i will be back, always know i am thinking of you constantly~~~

missing you like crazy and more than chocolate, mommy!!

ethan my hero

ethan i sit here wondering what you would be doing today~~would you still be playing hockey (of course), potty trained, loving everybody (of course again). you would still be going through treatments, i feel bad still how fast you got sick and how most of the remainder of your precious beautiful life was spent in the hospital~~i went to visit your girlfriend kadie the other day, it was a beatiful day, sarah played with kadie, gracie and jo and kadies mom , sarah, and i talked. kadie told me she will always remember her boyfriend and i told her you would be watching over her constantly~~in 1 1/2 days on may 29,2010 @ 8:44am, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 3!! aunt jackie and i will be visiting you at the cemetary in the am then in the afternoon we are going to release balloons and people that do not live here or are going to be away are releasing their own balloons, we made a special tag to go on the balloon and i told everyone to takes pictures or video~~~then everyone can help themselves to some happy cake, this is what you always called birthday cake. i am getting very anxious about your birthday coming and you are not here. a child is not susposed to die before their mommy or daddy. sissy is the one getting me and daddy through, i do thank god for her, but i am still mad he took you away. sarah and i went to the cemetary today because she loves to go see her "brudder", she helped me water your flowers, fresh cut ones in a vase since your stone is still not here, she smelled them and said okay and then kissed your angel statue. and all the way to the car she always yells, I LOVE YOU BRUDDER~~~we all love and miss you so much, it hurts so much not to hold you, kiss you, feel you or talk to you. i still remeber the day i met you,on may 29,2007. i knew being a mommy was going to be so wonderful and it was and still is, but it is sad not having you here~~~
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~~~MOMMY