ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, MY WORLD CHANGED~~~

Ethan, today marks the 1 year anniversary of your terrible diagnosis of stage 4 high risk neuroblastoma. i am having such a rough day, but i was glad a year ago i did not give up and i knew in my heart something was the matter with my sweet baby boy. looking back and during the 7 months you fought, i really thought you would be here today, loving life, having fun with your family and friends, but your little body could not beat this terrible nasty disease. i try to be strong in front of everyone especially your daddy and sissy~~~i would have taken this pain and disease from you if i could, but things do not work that way.i know you are the most beautiful angel up in heaven, doing gods work and i know each time you come to visit you are the most beautiful butterfly.

today when i went to your grave i left you beautiful petite pink roses with a special green ribbon and it said "ethan you are so beautiful. i miss and love you every day. love mommy" this is not a minute that goes by that i do not think about what we would be doing. sissy started preschool this week and it brought my dreams back to that you would be going to school also.

also i have noticed sissy has alot of you in her face, makes me happy. oh i just want to hold you, kiss you and bring you back. i wish i knew why god has to take the little boys and girls to heaven. i will never know. i love you so much~~it hurts!!!

remember i love you more than chocolate~~~
loving you always and wanting to be with you, mommy

4 months ago your pain and cancer stopped~~~

hi my baby boy and hero it has been 4 months today that god called your name. you became free of cancer and pain. since then mommy has been filled with pain actually my pain started on sept 1 2009 when we heard the most devastating news "your son has cancer". i still remember not breathing, crying, fallening out of the chair. our world changed that day. but our world foever changed on april 9, 4 months ago. i remember our constant cuddling in the hospital and out especially thye last 2 weeks at home. i miss you so much, i hope you have so many new friends and have found your family up in heaven. i still can not believe you are not here, we all miss you so much. i always talk about you, i hold your pooh pillow. no one is allowed but me~~~i know you are with me always and are always with sissy and daddy and betsy of course~~~gigi, pappy, nana, bapa, uncle joey (he poops)(sarah says that now to him always) aunt leslie and baby jameson miss you as well as so many close friends.
PLEASE KNOW I DID EVERYTHING I COULD WITHOUT CAUSING YOU MORE PAIN.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE, MOMMY~~~~~~

I miss you so much, my heart hurts and will never be the same~~~

Hi baby boy, I am sorry I have not wrote to you in awhile. I think and want you so bad every single day/night~~Sarah and I went to visit gammy, we had a great time in th pool, the ocean, feeding turtles and so much more but esprcially loving your gammy but we all missed you so much. you would have enjoyed everything.
I am still so mad at god i wish i could find out why, why my baby that loved life so very much had to leave my arms. I know i will never get the answers until we meet again. I do know you are cancer free and pain free and you are running around again. i know you are constantly with me i can feel you and i believe you are one of the many butterflies i see constantly~~
Sarah still talks to you daily on the phone, she also sees brother in the back alot. i know you will always be there for her. she is 2 but she misses you so much, i will make sure she never forgets you.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, MOMMY

Please watch over all your friends especially Kadie!!

Ethan, we received not the best news from sarah (kadies mommy). she had her scans yesterday, it showed her tumor coming back. i could not sleep last night and my heart was racing, she was done with treatments and after 3 months that ugly cancer neuroblastoma came back. i still remember her last time in the hospital you both decided to not be cranky that day and wanted to have your date. so you both wanted soup from the snack cart and ate in the sun room with our battery opertated candle from christmas. from then on you called for kadie and called her your girlfriend as she did the same, you were her boyfriend. even after you were gone, they did tell kadie you died, when i went to visit kadie told me she will always have you as her boyfriend even when she gets married. i told her how special she is to me and that ethan is her special gaurdian angel now. she said i know. i still have to get myself together to call kadies mommy, i feel so bad for this news, please ethan tell god to let her become healthy again and to let her live her beautiful life with her parents, sisters and her friends and family. i will write again later~~~
i love you so very much and miss you sooo much, momma~~~

do you remember me????

hi ethan it is your momma~~sissy is napping and i thought i would write you a little letter. sitting her looking at the picture i found yesterday, we were at chuck e cheese's you went on the ride that a statue of chuch e cheese is in a car and you sat next to him and it printed a picture. you were smiling and had those so chubby cheeks, i miss them. i miss everything, i hope you remember me, i will never forget my first born baby that god decided he needed to take from me~~i try to talk constantly to sissy about you, the other day she told me she wanted you back and i had to explain to her that you died and you are in heaven watching her every move, so she grabbed your pooh bear and said i love you brudder. i still call her sissy, i cant stop calling her that, i am thankful that we have video of the 2 of you together. last week your stone was finaly put in, it is beautiful but not as beautiful as if you were here with me. fathers day was hard, daddy said to me do you think i was a good daddy to ethan, oh course he was. we still do the what if's but we do not 2nd guess any decitions we made together. sissy is calling me from her nap, i am going to go i will talk to you later.
loving and missing you so much, mommy~~
~~PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND KATIE SHE IS GETTING HER SCANS DONE TOMORROW TO MAKE SURE THE MONSTER "NEUROBLASTOMA" IS STILL AWAY~~

missing you is so hard!!!!

hi baby boy, i am sorry i have not been on your blog for a couple of weeks, momma will not let that happen again. Well since then, your birthday was here, you would have been my bubbly beautiful loving 3 year old. we had a wonderful balloon release and happy cake. also many others let balloons go in your memory, all over the place~~as of today we had 4 responses of people finding balloons, one was daddys!!

i have been having alot of hard days my baby boy, tomorrow is another friday. i hate fridays around this time because that is when god took you from me, it will be 11 weeks tomorrow.they are putting our stone in at the cemetary, sisy and i go constantly. she misses you so much, and i hope she never forgets you, i will not let that happen~~

yesterday was mommay's birthday, it was nice but i was missing you butterfly kisses and having happy cake with you!! in july sisy and i are going to see grammy aka "gigi" to sissy in florida. it will be hard making our first trip to see gammy without you, you would have loved the pools, the beach and just loving gammy!!!
well going to go i will be back, always know i am thinking of you constantly~~~

missing you like crazy and more than chocolate, mommy!!

ethan my hero

ethan i sit here wondering what you would be doing today~~would you still be playing hockey (of course), potty trained, loving everybody (of course again). you would still be going through treatments, i feel bad still how fast you got sick and how most of the remainder of your precious beautiful life was spent in the hospital~~i went to visit your girlfriend kadie the other day, it was a beatiful day, sarah played with kadie, gracie and jo and kadies mom , sarah, and i talked. kadie told me she will always remember her boyfriend and i told her you would be watching over her constantly~~in 1 1/2 days on may 29,2010 @ 8:44am, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 3!! aunt jackie and i will be visiting you at the cemetary in the am then in the afternoon we are going to release balloons and people that do not live here or are going to be away are releasing their own balloons, we made a special tag to go on the balloon and i told everyone to takes pictures or video~~~then everyone can help themselves to some happy cake, this is what you always called birthday cake. i am getting very anxious about your birthday coming and you are not here. a child is not susposed to die before their mommy or daddy. sissy is the one getting me and daddy through, i do thank god for her, but i am still mad he took you away. sarah and i went to the cemetary today because she loves to go see her "brudder", she helped me water your flowers, fresh cut ones in a vase since your stone is still not here, she smelled them and said okay and then kissed your angel statue. and all the way to the car she always yells, I LOVE YOU BRUDDER~~~we all love and miss you so much, it hurts so much not to hold you, kiss you, feel you or talk to you. i still remeber the day i met you,on may 29,2007. i knew being a mommy was going to be so wonderful and it was and still is, but it is sad not having you here~~~
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~~~MOMMY