happy valentines day my baby boy

missing you as always, wishing you were here to hug and give me your special kisses. daddy sarah and i were talking about you and your cuteness all through dinner tonight~~just wanted to come say i love you, my brave boy my hero always and forever!!!

boy has this been a tough month~~

oh ethan, this has been by far the toughest month since you have been gone physically. i can not wait to hold you in my arms, to hug and to kiss like we aways did. and next month is our 1st big vacation without you, but i know i need to go on for sarah, she deserves happy moments~~
i found out today on july 29,2012 will be the 46 mommas shave for the brave event. i am so happy to be involved in this event, to raise funds for childhood cancer research and also to bond with other mommas mising their babies and some that still have their babies~~
i hope you know, i go on for sarah but i can not wait to be with you again. you are in my thoughts every moment of every day~~

love you more than chocolate my baby boy, mommy

good evening my sweet baby boy~~

oh sweet ethanbug you have been gone physically for 1 years, 4 months, and 16 days. it seems like we have been physically apart for millions of years. notice how i said "physically" because i know you are here in spirit through the signs i get and through your sissy~~
big news baby boy, i am going to raise funds and shave my head at the end of july with the "46 mommas, shave for the brave event" i am so excited to be doing this in your memory and raising funds for research~~kadies mommy sarah is going to be doing it to right beside me, just like you and kadie are now, side by side. i hope she is not being too hard on you, she is a tough little country girl but she loves you~!!
daddy and sarah are both snoring right now as i sit and have my thoughts of you, my beautiful handsome loving hero!
i love you and will write again soon.
i love you more than chocolate my baby, love, mommy

Ethan I hope you are proud~~!!

Hi my baby boy, missing you as always but especially at night when everyone is in bed and i am here to think of you. you and what you should be doing , i should be getting ready to send you to 4 year old preschool, but your cancer robbed me of that. I watch at how excited your "sissy" is getting to go to 3 year old preschool.

I hope you and kadie are together having fun being cancer free pain free and just being regular kids together. hoping you are both having wonderful dinners together. Baby boy that was so hard going to kadies viewing and funeral but i know you were with me and i was able to be there for kadies mommy sarah~~~

Getting ready to do some great things in your memory~~first thing i am going to disneyworld to do a 1/2 marathon (i am walking not running) in your memory and all fundraising goes to calebs crusade. i am starting to train and hope to lose some of this weight put on by my ways of coping with your death, no more coke to drink and no more bags of chocolate. and then tomorrow we are having a meeting bringing curesearch here to pittsburgh, a walk we will do in october. i am doing all of this for you. if i can help one person by doing all that i do i will feel i made a difference. like i always said "i will fight for childhood cancer until the day i leave this earth".

i am going to try to go to bed now, i love you more than chocolate and that is alot,
love always your mommy forever~~!!!

MISSING YOU SO MUCH ETHANBUG!!

Wow mommy has not been able to write for awhile, i have been here to our blog but have not been able to write. since you first angelversary i have been mad, sad, happy at times, but mostly sad~~ this 2nd year of not having you here is much worse than the 1st, i think because the first year you are so numb and i was in my own little world, but now i am not numb i have feeling of anger at cancer and i am still angry with god. i am mad because we do not have you here physically, sarah misses you so much but she always tells me how you are with her, and i have signs from butterflies mostly. i want to dream about you, us and the entire family but i can not because i want it so much~~and i am sad, sad that you never got to be potty trained, never got to go to school like sarah is getting ready to start, to ride you first roller coaster, to ride a bike, i could go on forever~~~

As you know because i know you are with her, your girl kadie is dying of her cancer. i know you will meet her and not let her be alone. i always think back to our night at the hospital where you both had your candlelight dinner in the sunroom with the instant soup from the snack cart~~it was so hard going to see kadie yesterday brought back the memories when we brought you home on hospice care. she was in pain but as you know kadie is a littlepistol, you can not cry in front of her or she would yell. i am letting you know right now my little ethanbug she will be the leader in your relationship~~ i am going to be there for sarah , kadies mommy and i am going to hold her tight because this is the worst feeling in the world, your child dying at any age.

i do get happy when i see sarah living through you, she wants to be her independant self but wants to be like her big brother. the other day she was mad and i said why sarah, she said cancer took her brother away and that made her mad. i told her she was allowed to be mad and sad when she needed too. but she gets so excited when she tells me when you come to visit her, she will say words like you did and so on.

tomorrow papy is running the ethan joseph loney memorial tournament to raise money for childhood cancer. mommy is putting the money raised towards the 1/2 marathon i am doing in january in disneyworld. i am walking 13.1 miles in memory of you my sweet baby boy~ as some of the girls say "i walk because i can, i walk because they can't" i hope you are proud of mommy i am trying to do amazing things in your memory, if i can help one person i will be happy. i will fight until the day i die for you!!

well mommy is going to try to sleep alittle, i love you and think of you every minute of every day!!!

love always your mommy!!!

Ethan's First Angel - Versary

Ethan's First Angel - Versary
by Jackie Graham McFeaters


Today is my first Angel-versary!


Mommy I don't want you to be sad about me

You know that I will always live in your heart

And that means we'll never really be apart

I know you wish I could have stayed with you longer

But I want you to be happy and keep getting stronger

Here in Heaven I have so many important jobs to do

I'm such a good angel because of what I learned from you

My angel job is teaching people to be loving and caring

My job is easy because you taught me all about sharing

God chose you and Daddy to show me these things

And now I carry your love on my angel wings

The reason I didn't need to stay here on Earth very long

Is because I learned very quickly about right and wrong

Sometimes I have to help people to do the right things

I teach them about helping others and the good feeling that brings

That's the reason I want you to keep telling my story

You can help your angel and spread the word for me

You are doing such a good job teaching people to be giving

You'll come to heaven and help me when it's time to stop living

But right now Mommy I want you to be happy and live

I know that you have so much love to give

Daddy and Sissy need you so much and I want you to see

That you need to love them and don't be sad about me

I'm always going to be with you and Daddy and Sissy

When Sissy gives you hugs they are coming from me

I'll always watch over Sissy and be her big brother

And all you have to do Mommy is love her

Some day in Heaven you and I will be together again

And I will live in your heart until then

Please Mommy when you think of me you should smile and not cry

Because I love being an angel and I'm sure you know why

It's okay for you to be sad every once in a while


But just think "WHAT WOULD ETHAN DO" and SMILE!!!!

1 Year Angel-versary

oh ethan you have been gone physically for 1 year today, to me it feels like a million years. i do have to be thankful for al the family and friends that have been there for me daddy and sissy. yesterday it rained all day, that was comforting to me because i knew you were doing that so many people could jump in puddles for you yesterday and today~~you have taught so many people to love more, to be more patient and to all around be a better person. you have done more in your 2 1/2 years here than most people do in a lifetime and you continue to tech people.
so many of your nurses remembered you today with love~~also your girlfriend kadie and also your buddy jaden who both have battled neuroblastoma with you.
i love you so much and will write to you again soon.
i love you my hero, mommy