Don't be mad I have not been here in awhile~~~

my sweet handsome loving caring beautiful awesome boy i miss you so much, i think of you every minute of everyday. i can not believe i made it though the holidays, i was so sad but i was happy that you do not have cancer or pain anymore~~my heart will always be broken, it will never be whole again. i went to the cemetary and put your penguin flag up and i took all the snow off our grave, i cried while i did it, looking at your christmas tree and wreath and all the ornaments family and friends decorated it with. you should be with mommy daddy and sissy and betsy too~~
now your sissys birthday is coming, i can not believe she will be "3", that means i would have 2 "3 year olds" that are not twins!! then comes your anniversary of being in heaven then your 4th birthday. i will be celebrating your birthday again, always will~~
we are doing so great things to remember you, we are donating girl scout cookies to your favorite floor at chp (9b) for the patients and their families. so far we have over 100 boxes. also mommy is planning a memorial blood drive and bone marrow screening drive, just lookiing for a good place to have it~~and we are working on your "ethan loney foundation" and we will be donating alot of time and money to heathers haven, they are namimg the acres of woods after you. ETHAN BUGS HUNDRED ACRE WOOD!! they are working on the artwork, i am so proud of this and we will be there to help and volunteer when it does open, and that will be one thing sissy will always be a part off~~
sissy misses you so much, she for a 2 year old is amazing. she realizes that you live far far away and that you can not come back. she holds me when i am sad and she helps me to go on. we are getting ready for her march for babies walk, TEAM SARAH PATRICIA. we will have winnie the pooh wearing a shirt again that says brother on it. then in june we will be doing the relay for life, ETHAN BUG'S ANGELS is our team name. i have been selling 31 products and raising money for the relay for life with all my commission going towards my donations. i am so proud of you and the great little boy you are.
i went to see a spiritual medium and had a wonderful session. she told me about the person you are with in heaven, down to the hair and eyebrows, it is my pappy your great grand pappy, martin. he was in heaven by the time you came along, but i am glad he is loving you and teaching you so much~~
i must go to bed now, sissy goes to her 2 year old preschool tomorrow.
REMEMBER I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE THAN CHOCOLATE~~
AND I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY~
YOUR MOMMY FOREVER AND EVER!!!!

Poem for my hero my ethan bug~~~

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

One Last Christmas- Matthew West

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY BABY BOY~~~~

WOW, this has been another hard one, missing you and wanting you to be here. i am thankful that you are not suffering , pain free and cancer free~~~last year at thanksgiving daddy was taking you into the hospital due to an infection and this year you are in heaven. i surrounded myself with friends and family~~i will write more tomorrow but i wanted to say i miss you and you are my hero~~~
love always your mommy

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, MY WORLD CHANGED~~~

Ethan, today marks the 1 year anniversary of your terrible diagnosis of stage 4 high risk neuroblastoma. i am having such a rough day, but i was glad a year ago i did not give up and i knew in my heart something was the matter with my sweet baby boy. looking back and during the 7 months you fought, i really thought you would be here today, loving life, having fun with your family and friends, but your little body could not beat this terrible nasty disease. i try to be strong in front of everyone especially your daddy and sissy~~~i would have taken this pain and disease from you if i could, but things do not work that way.i know you are the most beautiful angel up in heaven, doing gods work and i know each time you come to visit you are the most beautiful butterfly.

today when i went to your grave i left you beautiful petite pink roses with a special green ribbon and it said "ethan you are so beautiful. i miss and love you every day. love mommy" this is not a minute that goes by that i do not think about what we would be doing. sissy started preschool this week and it brought my dreams back to that you would be going to school also.

also i have noticed sissy has alot of you in her face, makes me happy. oh i just want to hold you, kiss you and bring you back. i wish i knew why god has to take the little boys and girls to heaven. i will never know. i love you so much~~it hurts!!!

remember i love you more than chocolate~~~
loving you always and wanting to be with you, mommy

4 months ago your pain and cancer stopped~~~

hi my baby boy and hero it has been 4 months today that god called your name. you became free of cancer and pain. since then mommy has been filled with pain actually my pain started on sept 1 2009 when we heard the most devastating news "your son has cancer". i still remember not breathing, crying, fallening out of the chair. our world changed that day. but our world foever changed on april 9, 4 months ago. i remember our constant cuddling in the hospital and out especially thye last 2 weeks at home. i miss you so much, i hope you have so many new friends and have found your family up in heaven. i still can not believe you are not here, we all miss you so much. i always talk about you, i hold your pooh pillow. no one is allowed but me~~~i know you are with me always and are always with sissy and daddy and betsy of course~~~gigi, pappy, nana, bapa, uncle joey (he poops)(sarah says that now to him always) aunt leslie and baby jameson miss you as well as so many close friends.
PLEASE KNOW I DID EVERYTHING I COULD WITHOUT CAUSING YOU MORE PAIN.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE, MOMMY~~~~~~

I miss you so much, my heart hurts and will never be the same~~~

Hi baby boy, I am sorry I have not wrote to you in awhile. I think and want you so bad every single day/night~~Sarah and I went to visit gammy, we had a great time in th pool, the ocean, feeding turtles and so much more but esprcially loving your gammy but we all missed you so much. you would have enjoyed everything.
I am still so mad at god i wish i could find out why, why my baby that loved life so very much had to leave my arms. I know i will never get the answers until we meet again. I do know you are cancer free and pain free and you are running around again. i know you are constantly with me i can feel you and i believe you are one of the many butterflies i see constantly~~
Sarah still talks to you daily on the phone, she also sees brother in the back alot. i know you will always be there for her. she is 2 but she misses you so much, i will make sure she never forgets you.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, MOMMY