Thursday, May 27, 2010

ethan my hero

ethan i sit here wondering what you would be doing today~~would you still be playing hockey (of course), potty trained, loving everybody (of course again). you would still be going through treatments, i feel bad still how fast you got sick and how most of the remainder of your precious beautiful life was spent in the hospital~~i went to visit your girlfriend kadie the other day, it was a beatiful day, sarah played with kadie, gracie and jo and kadies mom , sarah, and i talked. kadie told me she will always remember her boyfriend and i told her you would be watching over her constantly~~in 1 1/2 days on may 29,2010 @ 8:44am, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 3!! aunt jackie and i will be visiting you at the cemetary in the am then in the afternoon we are going to release balloons and people that do not live here or are going to be away are releasing their own balloons, we made a special tag to go on the balloon and i told everyone to takes pictures or video~~~then everyone can help themselves to some happy cake, this is what you always called birthday cake. i am getting very anxious about your birthday coming and you are not here. a child is not susposed to die before their mommy or daddy. sissy is the one getting me and daddy through, i do thank god for her, but i am still mad he took you away. sarah and i went to the cemetary today because she loves to go see her "brudder", she helped me water your flowers, fresh cut ones in a vase since your stone is still not here, she smelled them and said okay and then kissed your angel statue. and all the way to the car she always yells, I LOVE YOU BRUDDER~~~we all love and miss you so much, it hurts so much not to hold you, kiss you, feel you or talk to you. i still remeber the day i met you,on may 29,2007. i knew being a mommy was going to be so wonderful and it was and still is, but it is sad not having you here~~~

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ethan, I walked at relay for life for you!!!

Ethan another hard day but i needed to do this. I attended the relay for life, the phil (aunt heidi's team) dedicated their walk to your memory~~we decorated the table for you birthday, we had colorful balloons, "happy cake" and lots of pictures of you!! I smiled, I cried and at times I was mad because god did not let you be a survivor!! I dreamed one day you and pappy would do the survivor lap together hand in hand!! the luminary ceremony was very hard for me and for daddy, he had to leave and go home because the lady speaking said "god gives you what you can handle", we can not hear that from anyones mouth, but i stayed and daddy needed his time. i sat in front of one of your many bags and pappy's bag was right beside you~~i cried during the song "will you remember me", i hope you do i will never ever forget you, nobody will, i tried to be the very best mommy. going to go need some sleep because tomorrow is sissy's march for babies walk, TEAM SARAH PATRICIA. we are walking in memory of you baby boy. sissy told me you sleep in her bed the other night, so beautiful, she loves you and talks to you everyday~~sleep with the angels baby.
love always, mommy

Friday, May 21, 2010

Ethan you have been gone 6 weeks, missing you so much!!!

Ethan today is friday , i hate fridays since you died. it has been 6 weeks, i still think of you constantly and i always end up crying. today was a beautiful day, you would have been running around in your diaper (you hated clothes when it was warm)but maybe by now you would have been in big boy pants?? i always wonder what you would be doing~~next saturday you would be turning 3, we would be having the biggest party (now it will be sending you balloons and eating cake), you would be getting ready for preschool (you would have won over the teachers with your smile and would have so many friends because you loved everyone).
tomorrow i am walking in the "relay for life" the phil team, they dedicated this year to you, we are decorating for your birthday. ethan you are my inspiration. i hope this helps to never here "your child has cancer" or "there is nothing else that can be done with your child", these words still make me sick to this day. ETHANBUG YOU ARE MY SON BUT YOU ARE ALSO MY HERO, YOUR LIFE HAS TOUCHED SO MANY~~~
then on sunday we are walking in "march for babies" for sissy. last year you had so much fun and loved that your shirt said brother. i miss holding you in my arms, even though most nights after sept 1 it was in a hospital bed. also miss our talks at night and how you would say "hold", i always did my love. please continue to give me signs that you are here~~~
monday sarah and i are going to visit kadie (your girlfriend from childrens) and her family. you are the love of my life my handsome beautiful boy, my first born. i still remember the day you entered my life. it was the day i became a mommy, the most perfect day~~~i will talk to you again tomorrow. love and miss you so much my baby boy!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010


ethan aunt jackie told me she received this from heaven to deliver to me, i thank aunt jackie for writing this for me ~~~~~

Hi Mommy - Happy Mother's Day!
I know sometimes it seems like I'm far away

But I'm in heaven watching over you
And of course my Daddy and my Sissy too

I miss you Mommy, but it is so great here
The sun always shines and the skies are clear

I'm not hurting any more, I can run and play
I know you love me and miss me every day

But God needed me to be an angel and now I have my wings
I get to make rainbows and other pretty things

I make the sun shine - you can feel me in its rays
And I make the mud puddles on the rainy days!

I saw Sissy jumping in a mud puddle for me
She had on her rain hat and boy did she look silly!

I'm glad you tell Sissy all about her big brudder
Please always remind her how much I love her

I will always protect her and keep her safe from harm
I send you hugs through her, you can feel me in her arms

I told her she has to wipe your tears when you cry
I know you don't really understand why I had to die

I came down to earth to teach a lot of people how to love
But I couldn't stay forever, I was needed in heaven above

Mommy, you always knew I was special and now you know why
I'm an angel - I'm a hero - I'm your Ethan Bug - and now I can fly!

God sent me to you because he wanted me to learn about love
He knew I would feel it in my Mommy's kisses and hugs

Now my job as an angel is to put love in people's hearts
To teach them about kindness, and that love is where it starts

Thank you Mommy for teaching me what love is about
You are the bestest Mommy ever, there is no doubt

Please remember Mommy that I will live forever in your heart
So you see, we will never really be apart

And if you have days when you are sad and blue
Just remember Mommy - I love you even more than POOH!!

From your baby boy always and forever,
Ethan Bug


Dandelions from Heaven
Mothers day is coming And I wanted to send you a sign
something you can tell others; "Is from an angel of mine
So I searched the heavens high and low for that perfect thing....
And low and behold I found it.... And a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the heavens and see the yellow stars in the sky
Just think of me .... your angel... in the heavens way up high
And just imagine those stars; are dandelions up above.
Yes! Dandelions are also in heaven; which you know how much I love.

So on this mothers day and you awake and feel blue....
You will notice those yellow stars... are no longer in view.
So look to the meadows and the dandelions you see...
Are the ones I've tossed down this mothers day from me.

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white;
Youre supposed to make a wish and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses to me in heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back sent with all my love.

Please know that l am with you.... on this mothers day....
And also in the days ahead.... God and I will never stray.
We will be with you in the morning ....when you awake and see the sun....
We will be with you when you say your prayers when the day is done.

For God and I will never be very far from your side....
For I can now be everywhere.... and God will be your guide.
So.... remember when you see dandelions it is your guarantee
That I am always close to you.... for dandelions are free to roam just like me.

I will always be with you mummy....
Happy Mothers Day....
Love your angel in heaven.


sorry i have not written to you in awhile, mommy is having tough days!!

ethan my love i miss you so much, so much has been going on. last week i got a tattoo representing you and my love for you. i figured with everything you went through i needed to do this for my baby boy, my prince~~~it is the ethan bug on this blog that our friend loree drew, then it says ETHAN BUG and i had the number 2 put on it~~~
right now i am listening to the songs from the playlist i put on your blog, they are sad but they make me think of you~~everyday i wonder what we would be doing together, i know one thing that we would definately be doing is hugging, smiling and loving each other~~~i often wonder why god did this??? i waited so long for you and within 2 years god took you from me. i hope one day to try to understand. when we come home from nanas and bapas house and go past the county jail, i wonder why god took you and left those criminals here on earth~~i do not sleep well at night at all anymore, all i think about is you and how you and sissy would be, she misses you so much and i think she truely understands about where you are. we go to the cemetary together quite often, she always kisses you goodbye~~
i wil write again to you tomorrow, i love you more than chocolate.