Happy 5th Birthday to my hero~~~

I miss you so much, my heart hurts but it hurts so much tonight. thinking how tall would you be , would you still have that blond hair, what would you be interested in~~~i know you are still a loving gentle beautiful bright blue eyed baby boy!!! I hope you got the balloons sissy sent you, sissy pappy and i watched them go to heaven. Loved the all day rain today, i stepped in every puddle and thought of you. pretty soon i will be shaving my head in los angeles ca for you for st baldricks~~~i will continue to fight until the day i die for you and the many other children~~~ i am doing okay but i still can not wait until the day we are reunitied. sissy sings to you every single night and we blow kisses too~~~ please know i kove you so much and miss you my brave little boy, i love you more than chocolate my love, mommy

my ethan my love gone 2 years today

ethan, my hero my heart. you have been gone 2 years but it feels like a million. i went to visit your grave as i know your spirit is not there but your remains are and i went a took you beautiful red roses with sissy. she helped me place them just so and then she played with your toys, she also misses you so much. she told me several times how she wishes you were here, she would have a best friend, and someone to play with all the time. my heart breaks for her as she is going through a loss just like daddy and i are. so many wonderful friends and family called, texted, messaged me or contacted me through facebook to see how we were doing, we are still hurt mad and ask why, but we do go on for sissy as you would want us to. also we go on and smile and are not miserable because you would not want us to act that way.

yesterday was hard while sarah and your cousins were doing the easter egg hunt, there should be 4 of you running around laughing and enjoying each other, but cancer robbed that from us as it did many many things.i am not the same person i was 2 years ago, my life actually changed on sept 1,2009 when you were diagnosed with cancer. i do get mad and i do get short alot easier with people that are dumb, but also i am doing good for you. daddy and i are speaking at the chp memorial service on how our marriage has survived the loss of a child, then i am shaving my head with the 46 mommas and i am fundraising for st baldricks with kadies mom, we have a team "team lovebugs" then come the fall we will be doing the curesearch walk. i talk to more people about things that need to be done.

i need to go check on sissy now and mommy has a cold but i will be back writing my thoughts to you.
remember i love you more than chocolate and as daddy would say that is alot.

love always your mummy~~!!!

happy valentines day my baby boy

missing you as always, wishing you were here to hug and give me your special kisses. daddy sarah and i were talking about you and your cuteness all through dinner tonight~~just wanted to come say i love you, my brave boy my hero always and forever!!!

boy has this been a tough month~~

oh ethan, this has been by far the toughest month since you have been gone physically. i can not wait to hold you in my arms, to hug and to kiss like we aways did. and next month is our 1st big vacation without you, but i know i need to go on for sarah, she deserves happy moments~~
i found out today on july 29,2012 will be the 46 mommas shave for the brave event. i am so happy to be involved in this event, to raise funds for childhood cancer research and also to bond with other mommas mising their babies and some that still have their babies~~
i hope you know, i go on for sarah but i can not wait to be with you again. you are in my thoughts every moment of every day~~

love you more than chocolate my baby boy, mommy

good evening my sweet baby boy~~

oh sweet ethanbug you have been gone physically for 1 years, 4 months, and 16 days. it seems like we have been physically apart for millions of years. notice how i said "physically" because i know you are here in spirit through the signs i get and through your sissy~~
big news baby boy, i am going to raise funds and shave my head at the end of july with the "46 mommas, shave for the brave event" i am so excited to be doing this in your memory and raising funds for research~~kadies mommy sarah is going to be doing it to right beside me, just like you and kadie are now, side by side. i hope she is not being too hard on you, she is a tough little country girl but she loves you~!!
daddy and sarah are both snoring right now as i sit and have my thoughts of you, my beautiful handsome loving hero!
i love you and will write again soon.
i love you more than chocolate my baby, love, mommy

Ethan I hope you are proud~~!!

Hi my baby boy, missing you as always but especially at night when everyone is in bed and i am here to think of you. you and what you should be doing , i should be getting ready to send you to 4 year old preschool, but your cancer robbed me of that. I watch at how excited your "sissy" is getting to go to 3 year old preschool.

I hope you and kadie are together having fun being cancer free pain free and just being regular kids together. hoping you are both having wonderful dinners together. Baby boy that was so hard going to kadies viewing and funeral but i know you were with me and i was able to be there for kadies mommy sarah~~~

Getting ready to do some great things in your memory~~first thing i am going to disneyworld to do a 1/2 marathon (i am walking not running) in your memory and all fundraising goes to calebs crusade. i am starting to train and hope to lose some of this weight put on by my ways of coping with your death, no more coke to drink and no more bags of chocolate. and then tomorrow we are having a meeting bringing curesearch here to pittsburgh, a walk we will do in october. i am doing all of this for you. if i can help one person by doing all that i do i will feel i made a difference. like i always said "i will fight for childhood cancer until the day i leave this earth".

i am going to try to go to bed now, i love you more than chocolate and that is alot,
love always your mommy forever~~!!!

MISSING YOU SO MUCH ETHANBUG!!

Wow mommy has not been able to write for awhile, i have been here to our blog but have not been able to write. since you first angelversary i have been mad, sad, happy at times, but mostly sad~~ this 2nd year of not having you here is much worse than the 1st, i think because the first year you are so numb and i was in my own little world, but now i am not numb i have feeling of anger at cancer and i am still angry with god. i am mad because we do not have you here physically, sarah misses you so much but she always tells me how you are with her, and i have signs from butterflies mostly. i want to dream about you, us and the entire family but i can not because i want it so much~~and i am sad, sad that you never got to be potty trained, never got to go to school like sarah is getting ready to start, to ride you first roller coaster, to ride a bike, i could go on forever~~~

As you know because i know you are with her, your girl kadie is dying of her cancer. i know you will meet her and not let her be alone. i always think back to our night at the hospital where you both had your candlelight dinner in the sunroom with the instant soup from the snack cart~~it was so hard going to see kadie yesterday brought back the memories when we brought you home on hospice care. she was in pain but as you know kadie is a littlepistol, you can not cry in front of her or she would yell. i am letting you know right now my little ethanbug she will be the leader in your relationship~~ i am going to be there for sarah , kadies mommy and i am going to hold her tight because this is the worst feeling in the world, your child dying at any age.

i do get happy when i see sarah living through you, she wants to be her independant self but wants to be like her big brother. the other day she was mad and i said why sarah, she said cancer took her brother away and that made her mad. i told her she was allowed to be mad and sad when she needed too. but she gets so excited when she tells me when you come to visit her, she will say words like you did and so on.

tomorrow papy is running the ethan joseph loney memorial tournament to raise money for childhood cancer. mommy is putting the money raised towards the 1/2 marathon i am doing in january in disneyworld. i am walking 13.1 miles in memory of you my sweet baby boy~ as some of the girls say "i walk because i can, i walk because they can't" i hope you are proud of mommy i am trying to do amazing things in your memory, if i can help one person i will be happy. i will fight until the day i die for you!!

well mommy is going to try to sleep alittle, i love you and think of you every minute of every day!!!

love always your mommy!!!