Friday, August 12, 2011
MISSING YOU SO MUCH ETHANBUG!!
Wow mommy has not been able to write for awhile, i have been here to our blog but have not been able to write. since you first angelversary i have been mad, sad, happy at times, but mostly sad~~ this 2nd year of not having you here is much worse than the 1st, i think because the first year you are so numb and i was in my own little world, but now i am not numb i have feeling of anger at cancer and i am still angry with god. i am mad because we do not have you here physically, sarah misses you so much but she always tells me how you are with her, and i have signs from butterflies mostly. i want to dream about you, us and the entire family but i can not because i want it so much~~and i am sad, sad that you never got to be potty trained, never got to go to school like sarah is getting ready to start, to ride you first roller coaster, to ride a bike, i could go on forever~~~
As you know because i know you are with her, your girl kadie is dying of her cancer. i know you will meet her and not let her be alone. i always think back to our night at the hospital where you both had your candlelight dinner in the sunroom with the instant soup from the snack cart~~it was so hard going to see kadie yesterday brought back the memories when we brought you home on hospice care. she was in pain but as you know kadie is a littlepistol, you can not cry in front of her or she would yell. i am letting you know right now my little ethanbug she will be the leader in your relationship~~ i am going to be there for sarah , kadies mommy and i am going to hold her tight because this is the worst feeling in the world, your child dying at any age.
i do get happy when i see sarah living through you, she wants to be her independant self but wants to be like her big brother. the other day she was mad and i said why sarah, she said cancer took her brother away and that made her mad. i told her she was allowed to be mad and sad when she needed too. but she gets so excited when she tells me when you come to visit her, she will say words like you did and so on.
tomorrow papy is running the ethan joseph loney memorial tournament to raise money for childhood cancer. mommy is putting the money raised towards the 1/2 marathon i am doing in january in disneyworld. i am walking 13.1 miles in memory of you my sweet baby boy~ as some of the girls say "i walk because i can, i walk because they can't" i hope you are proud of mommy i am trying to do amazing things in your memory, if i can help one person i will be happy. i will fight until the day i die for you!!
well mommy is going to try to sleep alittle, i love you and think of you every minute of every day!!!
love always your mommy!!!